Since this is my public blog, I try to avoid the sort of salty language that pervades my private journal and, well, my speech. But then I come across an article like this one, and find it tremendously difficult to avoid calling its author a variety of colorful terms that perfectly, if crudely, encapsulate how obnoxious he is. Let's go through some of the lowlights of Ron Rosenbaum's drivel:
- "What always gets to me is the self-congratulatory assumption on the part of puzzle people that their addiction to the useless habit somehow proves they are smarter or more literate than the rest of us." Um, no. We do puzzles because they're fun. "Self-congratulatory" would apply more to someone who, oh, I don't know, insults people who engage in a pursuit he doesn't like.
- "Need I suggest that those who spend time doing crossword puzzles (or sudoku)...could be doing something else that involves words and letters? It's called reading." Oh. Puzzlers don't read? I'm sorry. I didn't get the memo. I'll go burn all my books now. Good thing I managed to pass high school English before you clued me in, Ronnie.
- "Isn't it a tragedy, then, a criminal shame, that all their amazing brainpower gets wasted on word games? If they're as smart as they think they are and there were some way to channel their alleged brainpower to something other than word games, we could cure cancer in a month!" I'm amazed by people who decry the uselessness of puzzle solving. Repeat: THEY'RE FUN. We have no delusions of grandeur about the global impact of our passion. Too bad we can't all be like Rosenbaum, who apparently is a tireless humanitarian who forgoes fun to spend every waking moment of his life feeding the hungry, curing diseases, finding new energy sources, and negotiating peace in the Middle East. Oh, and reading.
- "What are some of the other defenses of the puzzle people? 'It trains the mind.' No, sorry; it only trains the mind to think in a tragically limited and reductive fill-in-the boxes way. I'd say that instead it drains the mind. Drains it of creativity and imagination while fostering rat-in-a-maze skills." And since puzzles are the only form of mental stimulation in our lives, guess we're screwed, huh? Although we've got this going for us, which is nice.
- "The other thing you discover at the Barnes & Noble wall of shame is that Will Shortz is the anti-Christ." I think this is where my mouth finally dropped open. Wow, Ron. I think you may have misheard the saying; it's not "The greatest trick the devil ever played was 6-Across in last Sunday's crossword."
- "And let me tell you, does [Will Shortz's Funniest Crossword Puzzles] deliver! The unbridled hilarity starts on Page 1 with a puzzle titled 'Double Indemnity.' I'll just give you a sample of the first five 'down' clues, and you can see why his admirers must be rolling on the floor, splitting their sides." Finally, we get hard evidence that Rosenbaum has no idea whatsoever what puzzles entail. Try looking at the theme clues, genius.
- "...I was Phi Beta Kappa at Yale." I'm sure they're very proud. I assume puzzles are banned at Yale.
- "(Why did they cancel Mystery Science Theater 3000, the smartest show on television?)" OK, he got one thing right. MST3K is brilliant. Kudos to you, sir.
- "Those little crossword-puzzle boxes serve as the fragile containment structures for their darker fears, cells they lock themselves into in order to hide from the world." "Me time" is a big no-no in the World of Rosenbaum.
- "(By the way, I don't include games like Scrabble or charades on my list of trivial pursuits. Nor Trivial Pursuit. Some of these are loved by people not for the intellectual self-abuse they offer but for the social interaction—you know, the fun with other humans!—that can be generated by the competition. These games, and others like them, are not as isolating and reductive as word and number puzzles done in solitary.)" I give you the National Puzzlers' League, the thread that ties me to many of my trusted friends. This is the main reason I hate this article. Puzzles have brought me closer to many wonderful people, not farther away from them. I think it's a beautiful thing and I cannot sit idly by while that is insulted.
- "and yet this guy's brow was furrowed with concern over such challenging clues as '18 Across: Mauna _ _ _.' Whew, tough one, dude." Oops, another self-fired bullet into Rosenbaum's foot. If you're gonna pick on a clue for being easy, at least make sure it has only one possible answer.
- "My critique is really a bit hyperbolic, I know. I'm not that harsh. De gustibus and all that. Live and let live." Glad we agree. Delete this garbage and write something useful.
- "And I hear girls really go for guys who do sudoku." Ladies and gentlemen, the obligatory "puzzlers are virgins" joke! I didn't think he was gonna get it in. Round of applause!
- "...I wish I could understand the rules of sudoku." Really? You can't understand "every digit from 1 to 9 in every row, column, and 3x3 box once each"? What a finish. Hysterical.
And this is saying nothing of all the cute little turns of phrase, the "ho ho, aren't I clever" moments. Just amping up the obnoxiousness factor, I suppose.
I know, I know, I'm giving Rosenbaum exactly what he wants here. A fellow puzzler made the astute observation that any hyperbole will generate a reaction, and that was likely the author's goal. But I feel I must come to the defense of puzzles. I do not exaggerate when I say that every single aspect of my life has been made better by them. I don't expect them to hold nearly the same value for everyone else, but I won't have their impact on my life minimized.
Ron Rosenbaum is either a clumsy satirist who thinks he's much funnier than he is or a curmudgeon who's wasting far too much energy on disliking something. I hope it's the former. |
